I think about this more than I do most things. It is amazing how it is such a strong focus in my life right now, and how very little control I have over it. Some days, I am really gung-ho, and some days I feel like it is defeating me. I've let myself get excited over prospects, and I've become saddened when they don't work out. I've been contacted by nearly 15 birthparents, 3 or 4 adoption agencies, and several teenagers looking for new parents for themselves, money for college, and just someone to chat with them because they are bored and up all night. I am so ready for this to have an awesome ending, but I guess the time is not yet, and I still need to have more time and experiences. Darwin is much better at this waiting than I am....at least it seems that way to me. I feel like if I could just do that one more thing, then it will all work out, so I have done everything I can think of, and I don't even know if they are the things I am supposed to be doing. Everyone who has made it to the other side of this tells us that when it happens, it is amazing and you just know that even though you didn't physically give birth to your child, they were meant to be part of your family. I believe it...I just am having a hard time.
While Darwin and I were dating, and after we were married but before we had children, we discussed adoption. I can tell you that I have very different views about it now, than I did 14 years ago. We both knew we were open to it, and that we would be coming down this path eventually. After Isaiah was born and I went through those 18+ months of post partum psychoness, we knew I couldn't give birth again and we also knew for sure that our family wasn't complete. We prayed about our decision for two years...and we know that this is what we were to do next. I really needed some time to get my sanity back, and let my body heal. Our youngest will be six in a few weeks, and I have had an amazing year this year. I have been able to have a lot of time to myself, to do things to fill my cup back up. I know that I really needed to have this year to myself...all the kids are in school and I have been able to take care of me. I am so grateful that the Lord knows me better than I do, and has guided me to this point. I am really stubborn when it comes to graciously giving Him the controls and relaxing for the ride. I know He has the controls already, but sometimes I get a little prideful and think that I could make this happen all by myself.
Anyway, I haven't written about this on our blog yet, and it is something that is always just under the surface of everything I do. Darwin and I were asked to speak at an adoption fireside in two weeks, and so I have been pondering what I am going to speak about, and if I can do it without letting my emotions get the better of me. They asked us to speak, because we are not the typical adoptive family. We have four biological children, we didn't struggle with infertility, and we don't really fit peoples' perceptions of what an adoptive family is. We both grew up in large families, and even though some of that was crazy, we both love coming from large families.
This has been good for me to get some of this out. I am excited and scared, impatient and nervous, and very sure that this is how our family was meant to grow. I know that one of our children is still out there somewhere, and that we are all doing what we can to find each other. I also know that while I am having a boo-hoo pity party for myself, there is an amazing birthmother out there somewhere, with more courage in her little toe than I have in my whole body, that is going to do something truly amazing and selfless, something that I could not do myself...she is going to bring our child into this world and then place her child in our arms. I will be forever grateful for her. She is already one of my heros, and I haven't even met her yet. God knows her, and he is caring for her, and preparing her for what she will face. I need to have more faith in God's plan for me and my family.
It is now nearly an hour since I started this post, and I need to get to bed. The littles will be up bright and early for school and I need to be somewhat rested and alert. =) I'll end this post with my new accomplishment for today. I filled out an application this afternoon for the University of Alaska Southeast! The girl at the admissions office said I should hear back from them in two or three weeks. We'll see how this all works out! I haven't ever been to college, and I haven't been to school for 15 years, so it should be interesting!